selflove is something amazing.
something, that makes you strong and independent.
something, what makes you happy inside your mind and your body.
selflove is the most important thing we should have and keep in our lives.
but, what if you just can’t love yourself because of others?
i didn’t wrote anything for about a half of the year. because i was broke inside. i was hurt and nobody didn’t even noticed it. everybody around me were just kept saying bad things. i felt useless. i didn’t loved myself.
and i still don’t. but its way much better that before. for last few months i have a feeling inside me. feeling telling me i’ve lost everything. some of my friends don’t act like my friends and they’re saying things and they’re making me sad inside.
my family just cares about my school. and… things i did wrong. for last two weeks i was working on a sceenplay and two days ago we made a video based on it. everybody was excited about it, but when i showed the video to my mom, the only thing she said was: “so, you are not in the cast?! ah, ok.” the tone of her voice was so… thorny.
MOM, I DID THE SCREENPLAY, THEN I DIRECTED IT AND PICKED UP THE MUSIC TO THIS NINE PAGES OF TEXT! WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED? WHY CAN’T YOU BE JUST PROUD OF ME?
at the end, she said nothing. literally, nothing. i did a great job and she didn’t even say “that’s nice”. no, why should she, right? i do not need some warm and lovely words from you. no, i want just those thorny and painfull words you’re saying my whole life.
i am crying right now. because i made a little mistake and my father was yelling. thank you, thats what i need…
yelling, screaming, telling me, how useless i am and how ugly and fat i am. i am trying not to eat through the day. i am trying to excercise. but the most important thing: I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER, GOOD FRIEND AND GOOD GIRLFRIEND.
yeah, girlfriend… after that stupid breakup in june i put myself together a lil bit and finally gave a chance to a boy i know for more that 4 years now. tomorrow it’s gonna be 9 months we are together. 9 months full of love. but also 9 months full of those bad things, like cheating.
now, you are probably saying “what? cheating? so why are you still with him?!”
now, i’ll tell you something. i never give second chances. i never forgive really bad things. and i promised myself long time ago, that i will never stay with a cheater. but the problem is i love this man soooo damn much i couldn’t let him go.
because now he’s the only thing holding me on surface of infinity ocean of pain.
so, yeah. life… is touhg. but it depends on you who will make it easier for you.
sweet dreams my little pumpkins