“m” for mental health

“change your attitude”

“change your acting”

“change your dictionary”

“you have changed too much”

“you are not the same person as before”

ok, stop. i got it. i am somebody else now and i know that. but that’s ok people change.

to be honest, i have never felt good in my body. i have never felt confident, pretty and smart. and sometimes i even hate my body, myself. i don’t know why, i just do.

but nobody should feel like this. like me. we should feel loved. we should feel pretty. we should feel good in our own bodies.

i know it’s hard sometimes, i know that. but all of us have to find that power and be independent. don’t care about other people opinions.

right now i do not feel mentaly good. my feelings are splitted up because of someone, who should support me the most; who should love me the most; who should be by my side, when i need to. because i do all these things. I DO. i love, i support, i care.
but maybe it’s time for me to give all these feelings and so to someone else…
maybe…

-mdnghtcffee

“s” for selflove

selflove.

selflove is something amazing.
something, that makes you strong and independent.
something, what makes you happy inside your mind and your body.
selflove is the most important thing we should have and keep in our lives.

but, what if you just can’t love yourself because of others?
i didn’t wrote anything for about a half of the year. because i was broke inside. i was hurt and nobody didn’t even noticed it. everybody around me were just kept saying bad things. i felt useless. i didn’t loved myself.

and i still don’t. but its way much better that before. for last few months i have a feeling inside me. feeling telling me i’ve lost everything. some of my friends don’t act like my friends and they’re saying things and they’re making me sad inside.

my family just cares about my school. and… things i did wrong. for last two weeks i was working on a sceenplay and two days ago we made a video based on it. everybody was excited about it, but when i showed the video to my mom, the only thing she said was: “so, you are not in the cast?! ah, ok.” the tone of her voice was so… thorny.
MOM, I DID THE SCREENPLAY, THEN I DIRECTED IT AND PICKED UP THE MUSIC TO THIS NINE PAGES OF TEXT! WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED? WHY CAN’T YOU BE JUST PROUD OF ME?

at the end, she said nothing. literally, nothing. i did a great job and she didn’t even say “that’s nice”. no, why should she, right? i do not need some warm and lovely words from you. no, i want just those thorny and painfull words you’re saying my whole life.

i am crying right now. because i made a little mistake and my father was yelling. thank you, thats what i need…

yelling, screaming, telling me, how useless i am and how ugly and fat i am. i am trying not to eat through the day. i am trying to excercise. but the most important thing: I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER, GOOD FRIEND AND GOOD GIRLFRIEND.

yeah, girlfriend… after that stupid breakup in june i put myself together a lil bit and finally gave a chance to a boy i know for more that 4 years now. tomorrow it’s gonna be 9 months we are together. 9 months full of love. but also 9 months full of those bad things, like cheating.

now, you are probably saying “what? cheating? so why are you still with him?!”

now, i’ll tell you something. i never give second chances. i never forgive really bad things. and i promised myself long time ago, that i will never stay with a cheater. but the problem is i love this man soooo damn much i couldn’t let him go.
because now he’s the only thing holding me on surface of infinity ocean of pain.

so, yeah. life… is touhg. but it depends on you who will make it easier for you.

sweet dreams my little pumpkins
-mdnghtcffee

–

“t” for the truth

truth. magic word, huh?

well, i’ll tell you something. some people think the truth is treacherous, manipulative and also complicated. hell no! truth is truth and it is so fuc-ing simple. wanna say something? just say it. say it like it is. don’t lie, because one day it will destroy you.

lies i told were’t big, but lot of small lies are much worse than one big. i lied because of my feelings and because of people i like – i didn’t want to hurt them. but i did. and after this i regret it. and i lied to myself, too.
i lied to guy i like just because of fear. and after few months i’ve realized… i like him so much i can’t lie him anymore.

lies destroyed my family. lies destroyed my last relationship. lies almost destroyed my friendship. so, today i swear before you to god, from today i’ll always tell the truth.

what about you?

-mdnghtcffee

“e” for everything

absence of trust.
absence of love.
absence of feelings.
absence of life.

every day of my life i am asking myself why am i here. why I HAVE THE CHANCE FOR LIFE. why me? there are many better people who weren’t lucky and had to repay their lives.

every day of my life i am asking myself why should i stay here.
because of my family? i am the reason why my parents wants to get divorce.
because of my friends? i am just someone who bother them.
because of my boyfriend? hell no! that assho-, sorry, my ex said “i should choose her instead of you.”

i am sitting in empty room, drinking alcohol and eating chocolate and thinking about everything.
i am still checking my phone because my colleague texted me this afternoon. he wanted to hang out, but he’s ignoring me now. i am going to see him tomorrow at work. the irony is… we can’t be together because of my parents, but i can’t imagine him dating someone else. because… because i like him. so much.

“choosing the person that you want to share your life with is one of the most important decisions any of us makes. ever. because when it’s wrong, turns your life to gray and sometimes – sometimes, you don’t even notice until you wake up one morning and realize years have gone by.” love, rosie.

beautiful excerpt. i didn’t seen the movie, yet. but i love this part so much just because it’s so true.

“no matter where you are or what you’re doing or who you with, i will always honestly, truly, completely love you.” i almost cry when i saw this part. not because of the words. no. i was scared. scared of my future. what if i’ll find somebody i will be infinitely happy and that person will hurt me? after all of this. after all these memories and time spend together?

-mdnghtcffee

“i” for independent

independent.
if you remember, in last few articles i was writing about someone new in my life. someone i pretty like. this person helped me in my “darkest hour” and makes me happy every day. me and him – we were friends. yes, we were. because we are more than friends now, if you know what i mean (;D).

the reason of this article is… i’ve realized, that you cannot be reliant to someone’s opinion. yeah, i respect my parents, but if i like someone and i want to be with him/her, i cannot care about their disagreement. they can’t manage my life till my death. i want to stand on my own feets, make my own mistakes and my own opinions and my own everything. so, please, mom, dad, let me…
i am strong enough to make it.
and you are too, whoever you are. i belive in you, you are beautiful and strong and you can make it! just do not let people tell you what to do. that’s all i wanted to say today, so, love yourself and do whatever you find right.

°peace a love°

-mdnghtcffee

“it’s my life, it’s now or never.”

“f” for fear

fear. something we have to live with.
fear of animals. fear of people. fear of world. fear of love and feelings. fear of the truth. fear of regret.

this day was a little bit hard for me to stand. i had to stand up to my fear of feelings. i am stiff to these feelings and stuffs about love and…
maybe i am scared of disappointment and betrayal. or maybe i am just a coward.

three years ago i met someone i felt in love from the first second. i tryed, but i never can forget him. and today – a few moments ago – after i said “goodnight” to someone i like, he texted me.
“i miss you. and i like you.”
“are you serious?” i texted back.
“yes, i like you and i want to be with you.”

i panic. i am scared. i don’t know what to do.

“what are you expecting from this? can you see some future with this?” i replyed. and after this message i didn’t look at the phone. i know, it is not fair, but… hell, no! it is fair! i was waiting for this moment for three years! and he came back when somebody else appear.

yeah, i don’t know, what to do and what i feel, but after all… i know what i have to do. read his message. and think about it. face my fear. because there is no other option.

-mdnghtcffee

“h” for happiness

“loving can hurt. loving can hurt sometimes, but it’s the only thing that i know…”

beautiful song by ed sheeran full of beautiful lyrics and feelings. and he’s right. loving hurts but.. isn’t it the most beautiful feeling?

“and it’s the only thing we take with us when we die.” i am not really sure about this, but i know this: love we gave is eternal. nobody can give love we donate back and if ed wanted to say this to? i don’t know, but i bet he wanted to say something as beautiful as my theory (wink ;D).

“we made these memories for ourselves.” that is true. WE made these memories, not other people. so you shouldn’t listen to them when they say that “you shouldn’t be together, he’s not your type,” and “i don’t think this has a future,” and “you ex was better. this one is too hard-working and he’s always at work.” we shouldn’t listen to them, because they don’t know that ‘not her type’ is the perfect one for her, the ‘no future’ is strong relationship full of love and the ‘hard-working and always at work’ is working too much through a week, because he wants to be with his girlfriend all weekend.

“and if you hurt me, that’s okay baby only words bleed.” yeah, just the words and if you fix it, the feelings inside will be ok too. remember it and don’t be crazy about little things that make you angry. just make a deep breath and try to solve it quiet way. because if you don’t, you will hurt much more.

i know you may think today’s article is about nothing, but… think about it. think about all these little things you don’t see, because on little things mostly depends the big ones.

°peace and love❤︎ °

-mdnghtcffee

 

“n” for nothing

“good morning :)” i texted him this morning.
“hi” he replied and i knew something’s wrong.
“what happened?”
“nothing, why”

‘nothing’ is so beautiful word, but, guys, if something’s wrong say it. don’t say ‘NOTHING’ because everybody is mad after. especially people like me. and you don’t want to make me mad, hah.

i mean, if something’s wrong, we should talk more and solve the problem, we should find another way. but we don’t talk, because of our proud. yeah, i got it. we don’t want to show our weaknesses and our fears, but… if we do, life could be much easier to understand. think about it, just for a while a tell me i am not right.

-mdnghtcffee

“s” for being straight

“hello, my name is thomas and i am straight,” he standt up and told his class.
“holly sh-t, are you serious?” then they started bully him

“hey guys, so, i am natalia and i am straight.” people were disgusted and she never appered in that support group again.

“so, mom, dad, i am straight.” her parents were mad, she had to leave their house.

“i know, it is weird, but… i am straight.” his friends left him and he end up in depression.

well, sounds funny and unrealistic, huh?
i have realized something. lgbtq community makes “coming outs” to say people they have different sexuality and people are surprised and…
but, just imagine, what if being gay would be ‘normal’ (quotation marks because lgbtq community IS normal, ok?) and if you were straight, people would be wondering. how would you feel about it? how would you feel if someone laughed at you and embarrassed you? this is not ok. and people should sence it!

sorry for being this sensitive, but i have to! i just can’t stand all these stereotypes, you know?

-mdnghtcffee

“r” for realize

few minutes ago, i have realized something. no matter ho many times somebody let you down, you are strong enough to recuperate yourself. no matter how many tears you left because of somebody, you are strong enough to get through it.

there could be tons of people who disappointed you, who hurt you, who left you, who makes you cry and who makes you feel sad and lonely, who make you feel useless…

i had about fifteen minutes of anxiety attack few minutes ago and lot of tears left my eyes, but now – when i’m writing this – i’m fine again. yeah, my eyes are so red and my body is still shaking because of that jerk who disappointed me, but i’m feeling fine. not good, but fine and this should be enough for this time.

and why did all this happen?
“is it ok that i want to be with two girls?” he texted me.
“how should i know?” i replied back after a few minutes. first version of this message was ‘is it ok that i want to be with two guys?’ but i didn’t sent it.
“because you are one of them.” i started crying a little bit and texted my best friend. she helped me and i texted him back this:
“if you fell in love with two,
decide for the other,
because if you really loved the first one,
you would never want the other.”
and then a turn my phone off. i was so scared because of his answer. because through all these days (six, to be exact) i started feel something i was scared of. i thought i was his ‘number one‘ you know? but… it seems i was wrong.
i would like to say something encouraging and clever and positive at the end, but this time i simply can’t… sorry.

-mdnghtcffee